[Shangbel-Genderconfused me]

At the end of the rainbow.

2009-09-22T02:42:00.000-07:00

At the end of the rainbow, what do you see?

I'm blogging now because tomorrow is our project work's written report deadline and I'm finally done with my part. The rest is all up to my classmate now who is gonna slap my report left, right, center and make it presentable for the teacher tomorrow. Haha.

It has somehow been an amazing journey, this year.

Okay. I know that it isn't over yet. ._. But I mean...somehow I just feel like I've learnt a lot.

It feels like I'm sliding on a rainbow at times, together with all my friends. At other times, it feels like I'm desperately trying to crawl out of a hellhole with thousands of faceless people trying to pull me back down. But in the end, it just always feels like a dream.

They say that life is a dream... how true that is.

Well, just today, I've finally realized that love is a very important part in our lives. It may be the influence of Hazel's love teachings yesterday, or it may be due to the events I've seen in the past and this afternoon. Everybody craves for love, yearns for it. Love is an unexplainable feeling that makes you want to do anything in the world, just for a single person.

Love is what I feel when I see my mother secretly waiting for me at 2.32am in the morning, at the pretense of watching the television, when I'm rushing assignments. Love is what I feel when my friends specially wait for me after school in order for us to go home together. Love is what I understand when I see someone letting go of their beloved in order to allow him to lead a happier life.

Love is really a beautiful thing.

I know I sound like some bible or self-help book, but really. It's the total opposite of hate.

Love forgives, Love cherishes, Love is gentle.

Love makes me cry...

Not because I've lost, but because I've loved someone.

We feel hurt whenever we go through breakups or when we have quarrels with friends, not because we have lost that love we once had for them. It is exactly because that love still exists between us and it pains us because we have loved.

Isn't that right? =) I hope it is.

Well. It's 2.42am. Two other of my project group mates are still awake while the other has died on us. ;A; Good grief.

I guess it's time to turn in for the night...

...and get my mum off the cold sofa couch.

Kiss the Rain.

2009-09-13T23:34:00.000-07:00

Hmmm. My brother went off to his boarding school today...and my dad's flying off to china again, away from us, at around 11plus. (which is pretty much soon.)

Somehow I feel a little sad. Our house has gotten slightly more lonely.

Plus tomorrow school's starting again...and I just know that I'd get a shit load of problems. I'm trying to be strong about it, so I'll just take what comes.

My relationships with some of my friends have been quite rocky lately too...just because I've decided that I cannot compromise my principles just for them. It doesn't mean that I'd have to always give in to a certain someone just because her circumstances and principles are different from mine...right....? I don't know. Am I the one being baby-sitted here? or is the other person pushing her luck too far?

I hope that admist all these, I can still find that kindness and courage in my heart to accept others and to go on happily.

Of course, I'm still hoping to find my Perfect Prince... But life just doesn't work that way. I probably wouldn't have time for him too.

Anyways...here's a beautiful song, probably about a girl who is going out with a guy she loves, but he doesn't really love her back. I read a songfic written with this song, it ended on a really sad note.

It starts with this person, standing by somewhere, waiting for the guy to appear. Then the person recollects about the past few months they've been together...How he had asked her to be his, at the airport before she flew off, and how she had agreed immediately in front of their friends. As the days past by, she begins to understand from the start that he is used to seeing other women, and tries to accept that fact. She argues that he would always nuzzle her neck and then tell her later that he loves her. But later on, she realizes that her argument was flawed. He had never once told her he loves her, while looking at her straight in the eyes. She remembers the times he held her in his arms, the times he defended her from others... the times he was always late for their meetings, the times she always smelt perfume belonging to other women on his coat.

It begins to rain.

She stood there, unwilling to move. Thinking, "This is where I told him I'll wait for him, this is where I'll stand."

30 minutes...1hour.... And finally 2 hours.

She begins to break down, cuz as the times passed and the more she thought of it, she realizes that they were never meant to be together. All of the sudden, a sms appears on her phone.

"We're done." -Signed, the guy she was waiting for.

Well. That's all I can remember about the story. It was a short and sad one...I'm not sure if the details are completely right (some are changed in order to hide identities, etc.).

Anyways...here are the lyrics:

Song: Kiss the Rain
Music: Yiruma
Singer for the lyrics: Hienie

I often close my eyes
And I can see you smile
You reach out for my hand
And I'm woken from my dream
Although your heart is mine
It's hollow inside
I never had your love
And I never will

CHORUS
And every night
I lie awake
Thinking maybe you love me
Like I've always loved you
But how can you love me
Like I loved you when
You can't even look me straight in my eyes

VRS 2/3
I've never felt this way
To be so in love
To have someone there
Yet feel so alone
Aren't you supposed to be
The one to wipe my tears
The one to say that you would never leave

The waters calm and still
My reflection is there
I see you holding me
But then you disappear
All that is left of you
Is a memory
One that only, exists in my dreams

CHORUS

VRS 4
I don't know what hurts you
But I can feel it too
And it just hurts so much
To know that I can't do a thing
And deep down in my heart
Somehow I just know
That no matter what
I'll always love you

VRS 1

So why am I still here in the rain...

2009-08-31T00:58:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be forgotten. But I know I'll eventually be...

Especially by you.

Someone stop this heart please...

I'm sorry but I really cannot love you anymore.

Now I must write this into a song or something ._.

Aiya. What is this, you might ask?

It's just a feeling towards this person who constantly ignores me, who constantly says that she's busy, who constantly...shoves me aside.

No, I'm not a lesbian.

But I really wish that she'd look at what she has sometimes, and stop focusing on things she wants to have, but doesn't.

No, I'm not talking about myself. *facepalm*

Shit man. She isn't even a major character in my life.

I must be going crazy from the lack of attention. *is an attention whore sometimes*

Yeah, that's right.

I shall go catch some sleep now.

Definition of forgiveness.

2009-08-25T01:07:00.000-07:00

Been feeling quite unable to click with my classmates at school lately. All I have been doing is hanging out with davita and sam... Not that it is bad, but what's wrong with me?

I had a wonderful night tonight.

Shaman king kangzhengban is finally finished, with the author uploading the final chapter up. Sarah and I agreed that everybody looks awful cept for Ren, Lyserg and Hao (who remained young. YAY.) Ren has like, increased his smexiness by a hundred times fold. It's absolutely amazing and astounding. This is the first time I preferred him over everyone else (cept Hao). LONG HAIR SUITS YOU. <3 Ren apparently has a son too, named Men. Lyserg hinted to everbody who the mother was when ren didn't wanna name her. It seems like the mother is the Iron Maiden Jeanne. My brain broke. Still...I guess they kinda look cute...together... IMAGINE HOW MEN LOOKS LIKE WHEN HE GROWS UP. Red eyes, silver hair... God. He would be even more gorgeous than his papa.

And I have discovered the existence of Gakupo Kamui, a vocaloid who was modelled after Gackt.
I have a fetish for things modelled after him, don't I? *stares at Genesis*

Oh god. His voice makes me melt. Like, akdakjgdkf. It's like a not-so-perfect version of Gackt's voice. But still quite amazing. I'm in love with him. Maybe I might cos him if haz still wants to cos megurine.

Then...

My mum told me that something was wrong with my cousin and aunt. She asked me to go over to help her comfort my cousin. I was very worried at first, but when I got there, I was ushered out of her room; she only was willing to talk to my mum, and my mum ended up comforting the both of them.

I spent the rest of the night feeling quite rejected and redundant. I won't ask myself why I was there in the first place cuz I know it is out of worry for her.

Still. It's so easy for people to step on my feelings, isn't it? Or maybe I was just angry with myself. Angry that I wasn't of any help, angry that I was a redundant existence, angry that I overestimated myself in anybody's heart.

When I got home, Sarah was gone. Hazel was gone. Steven was gone.

My heart hardened again.

I don't expect them to wait for me. But the fact that I lost them just because I went to be someone redundant; It really hurts me.

So the strength I gathered tonight for a long day tomorrow was broken.

I cried. I hated. I reflected. (...and I listened to Gakupo. God. I feel so calm cuz of him now.)

Then frank comes on. I unleashed my wilful self and demanded comfort in the form of a hug, pat on the head and "No, you have to be more kind.". Frank, being his matured self, of course rejected. He said a load of other stuff that made sense, gave me a small hug, and told me to not take it personally. He said that I need not always be so big-hearted anyways.

And you know what? Because of Gakupo and frank, I actually feel better.

I looked to my msn list, a friend had a nice quote:

Definition of forgiveness: The perfume a flower leaves on the shoe that crushed it.

That is exactly how I feel now. Except perhaps without the perfume.

I'm still working on it.

This post makes no sense, like always.

2009-08-23T19:09:00.000-07:00

Mood: Contemplative
Music: Gackt -Oblivious -顔のない天使ー

It's been tough. Ever since I got into JC, I mean.

I'm supposed to be doing maths now. But my brother just told me to go screw myself and so I'm am currently doing so. (not literally. But figuratively, since I have loads to finish by tomorrow.)

I fell asleep last night, while curling up next to my mum and wishing that monday won't come. I mean, I used to be such a happy kid, but nowadays, I just feel like I screwed my life over. She told me stuff about my dad and her...and told me not to be sad if things really didn't take a turn for the better.

I don't know if I can be not sad. I probably won't emo about this. But hell, I'm sure I won't be too normal about it either.

You know, my JC friends are really nice. Sam and Davita bought me this card that said, "Face the problems. Cross out the negatives. Believe the best." and the picture is of this squirrel who is trying to get the apples on the tree, and trying out ladders of different lengths and learning from one failure till one works. They wrote, "Hey! Cheer up okay!! things will get better with us in your life! Lotsa love, sam and davita(: "

So, I don't really feel alone somehow. Just maybe, I don't know if I can be strong enough to get past all my problems.

Currently, I'm listening to Gackt's new song from the "Faraway" single - Oblivious -顔のない天使ー... It makes me feel so calm, yet knowing of the problems that would come and that I have to solve them alone. I've decided that in his own small way, some of his songs really have substance and it doesn't matter whether all of my friends are gackt haters or not; I'm pretty resolved to accept him for his talent.

Speaking of which, my blogskin is still featuring Genesis. I can't never ever get bored of his face. Really.

Hmmm. I think I need a break from everything. Alright. So I'll just slow down a little then...

Back to maths.

Happiness

2009-07-06T00:03:00.000-07:00

I...would like to be happy.

Am I allowed to be happy?

I think so.

Just maybe. =)

My silent pain.

2009-05-31T00:12:00.000-07:00

My friend, the fates are cruel.
There are no dreams, no honor remains;
The arrow has left the bow of the goddess.

My soul, corrupted by vengence
Hath endured torment, to find the end of the journey
In my own salvation,
And your eternal slumber.

-Loveless Act IV

(Edit: I deleted majority of this post except for the few sentences I liked. It would seem that it was too emo.)

But the darkness came spilling over. It covered the light.

I think...this feeling is disappointment.

This painful...heart-wrenching feeling is disappointment.

Disappointment that is soaked in blood, pain and tears.

"Can you really live on that side? In a world that hates you and I." -Genesis Rhapsodos

Edit: To Joanie: I love you joan...I'd be lying if I said I was alright. Thanks for the support. People tend to be crazy at 12.12am in the morning. =)

To Sarah: I guess...people are just trying hard to find their place. Even if it means to seek attention. =) I can't thank you enough for always being there for me too. I know that this post will shock you, cuz you'll finally see what has been going through my mind and how dark my personality can be. You're one of the few people left who can really treat me genuinely. I wish for your happiness too... Don't give up. I want you to truly be happy. You're the most innocent and kindest among all of us.

And don't worry. I still believe in our famiglia. I want to hold on and pretend that everything is alright...just for a while longer. If we're lucky, it'll heal. If we're not, it would be painful, but nonetheless inevitable.

Oh...wut.

2009-05-28T09:57:00.000-07:00

It's amazing what can happen when you're browsing through forums in your school's com lab.

Unexpected semi-nekkid pictures of an acquaintance popped up and my classmate screamed, "! What is that!?!?!" It was very embarrassing and very very...uh...uncalled for. (everything, I mean)

I shall never do that again.

I think my brain is broken. I'm typing this post in pieces.

I need to get a life.

I need to getawaaaay.

Procastination is my best friend and worst enemy.

2009-05-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

I'm at school now. Procastinating my butt away.

Little kids, please don't follow this horrible example of an elder sister. You'll just flush your life down the toilet bowl.

....Well not really. But you'll get half-stuck in it. That's worse than being flushed down, yeah?

Don't even know why I'm so social and reliant today. Maybe it's cause for once I got enough sleep to allow me to go hyper for a while. I don't mind the social part. Hate being reliant though.

Freaking hell. I'm getting nervous when I see the cosplay pictures from this year's 'coscon' 2009.

I've put the word 'coscon' into apostrophes because that event suddenly popped out of nowhere and into my face around...4 days before its debut. Needless to say, I'm busy as hell and didn't pop down for a look. Plus my friends were all probably busy too. I regretted it a little, since it's been a long time since I've gone to an event. However, thinking back about recent events which did not live up to my expectations, made me think twice about regretting it. Perhaps I'm growing out of it as a hobby. Dear gods. Please not let it be so.

Anyways, back to why I'm getting nervous.

I'm currently juggling four to five plans for the upcoming events due to my being unable to even 'touch' cosplay next year. If I had learnt from my lesson during O levels, I should know better than to get distracted by things during when I should cram and study like I never did before.

After that, it's gonna be smooth sailing~ (hopefully.)

So. I have not finished my props. (curses.)

My costumes are in a bit of a mess.

and...external pressures. (most from people)

WHICH ALL ADDS UP TO A LOAD FULL OF .

Took my maths test today. I don't know if I can ace it. At least I'll pass. ._. But this is a huge percentage, so I'd prefer to ace it, really.

Which brings about the next problem. Schoolwork and tests. How am I supposed to start on my props if my schoolwork and tests are all still piling up? June holidays? Riiiiight. Anybody who believes in that, would still believe in....er...the friendly ghost thing...or something... (okay. we can't say Santa Claus here cuz I still believe in love, peace and him. I think.)

People are coming in. This means crowds.

This is my signal to post and get out of hereeee.

Random: I think. (yes this is an opinion. Everyone is entitled to an opinion) I think...

That singapore's society...*picks words carefully*...needs a lot of improvements in terms of kindness, compassion and courtesy. It's such an irony that we can be so well-educated and yet...so...ill-mannered at the same time. Does that make sense? Ah, I don't know. It's just a small girl's observation of a big world. It's not a complaint, (probably) not a fact, but rather an opinion that is derived from an observation.

Why am I bothering to explain so much? Beside people in singapore can be rather anal about it when you just shoot your mouth off and don't bother to pick the correct words.

My school's cohort for this year is generally the same. We're too judgemental. (yes, I can comment on my school more freely than the society as a whole.)

I hope I'm not like that. (though I have a sickening suspicion that deep deeeeeeeep inside, I am.)

Final Fantasy: Distant Worlds

2009-05-23T01:36:00.000-07:00

Today was the day I went and watched the concert, Final Fantasy: Distant Worlds.

To be honest, it totally blew my mind away. It served as a reminder for a lot of things though. Like for example, (ever since I've first discovered final fantasy X) how I had always wanted to escape from this mundane world and to someplace like those in the Final Fantasy series. I had somehow forgotten about that small wish of mine. It's like how life desensitizes you and how it makes you forget childhood dreams. It makes you think of them as something 'impossible' and would never come true. So that you would stop thinking about it.

I nearly cried so many times tonight. (and did so, eventually, in front of my com, while pouring out my feelings to haz and sarah) This was due to a horrible turn of events and my awareness of things that have come to an end.

Let's explain things in chronological order, so that it's easier to understand...

I left the house at 6.30pm today, for the concert which would start at 7.30pm. Dressed prettily for once, I was happy because I've been suffering from a low-self esteem since I entered my current school. My classmates were all attractive...personality or looks-wise. So you could guess how insignificant I felt sometimes. I skipped dinner, because my mum said that we should get going. Strangely, I never knew that it would have taken me more than an hour to get there by car. Yet that was because I did not expect serious traffic jams.

I was worried if I could get there on time. Usually concerts close their doors the moment the performance starts and would not let you in till the next intermission. My friend, who was supposed to watch the concert with me, called me many times. She urged me to hurry.

And all this time, I was stuck in the car, feeling so helpless and trying desperately to salvage the situation the best that I can.

She was with some friends...so I was worried that because of me, they would be unable to go in and miss the performance they had always been waiting for. During the next time she called, I told her to get her friends in first. I'll catch up later. She had my ticket, so she asked me what to do. I told her that maybe she could escort her friends in, and come out to get me later. However we discovered that apparently, you weren't allowed to leave once you've entered, unless it's the intermission. So she told her friends to go in first, and she waited for me. She gave me two to three minutes to get there.

A few minutes later, I was right opposite of the Esplanade. The place where the concert was to be held.

I knew what it meant, for her to be waiting for me. There was a risk that she may not be let in as well, together with me, till the intermission. I picked up my phone, and decided that I should urge her to go in, and that she could leave the ticket someplace for me to get. I called twice. She was busy. Then I guessed she might have been trying to reach me and stopped calling. My guess was correct, and she called me. I picked up the phone, and was about to tell her that it was alright, she could just go in first, when I heard a very distinct:

"What."

My heart froze. I couldn't stop myself from slightly stammering and muttering the next few words. "S-Sorry?"

She asked why I had called. I tried my best to explain, but my mind was completely blank then. I was so scared, for some reason. The next thing I knew, she was saying something like, "You know...I'm very very pissed." And the proceeded to say that she's going to leave the ticket with the usher, and that I should get it from him. There was nothing I could have said. So I just said okay and we put down the phone. I don't think that I had even managed to get what I initally wanted to say, across.

At that moment, I looked out of the car window. I had this rash decision; I wanted to run out of the car, and dash across 8 to 10 lanes of very heavy traffic, to get to the Esplanade on the opposite side. I didn't do it in the end though, cuz my mum freaked out and told me not to. Plus I think I was too upset to try something so rash and actually manage to survive it.

So I got all teary-eyed in the car. (I didn't cry though.)

Once I was in the carpark, I got out and dashed like some kind of Cinderella who was late for her ball, towards the concert hall, remembering the directions my friend had given me. When I got to the first usher, he asked for my ticket. I told him that my friend had left the ticket with him and he immediately set off to work, found it and gave it to me while telling me new directions. He was a really nice guy, and when he saw that I was so distressed, he tried to cheer me up by saying, "Maybe she's still waiting for you, at the top of those stairs." It was foolish to think so, but it gave me hope, and I replied, with a slightly touched and shocked but pained look, "Really?" He nodded once and I ran.

Second usher....Third usher....And still no sign of her.

When I finally arrived inside, there was a mix-up of seats, so a guy was sitting at mine. He was ushered off to his correct seat so that I could take the seat. All this while, that friend of mine didn't look relieved that I had arrived, or apologetic (seriously. this is really really wishful thinking on my part. I don't even know why I expected her to think twice about it. It's not her character to do so.) and every second I spent, standing there at the side of the seats, the more I felt my heart dying. I felt really really sad. It wasn't because she went in without me. It was because once again, I've realized how far we had come and how we couldn't return to what we were. In my mind, she was still my best friend (sometimes even like family), but in real life, she appeared to be only a friend, someone whom you can find anywhere, if you wanted to. Someone who wasn't special, like how she was, in my mind. In my heart.

I sat down, trying to calm my feelings.

The orchestra started to play, "To Zanarkand" from Final Fantasy X. They even had a video to accompany it.

When I saw Tidus and Yuna, I felt myself breaking down inside. The song was so nostalgic. It was so sad. "To Zanarkand" was one of the first few FF songs I had loved. I felt tears rushing to my eyes.

"Don't cry. She'll see. Besides, you wouldn't want to ruin the fun for her friends right?" was what I told myself. So I held it back the best that I could.

I have to admit...after that, I tried to immerse myself into the music and to forget about what happened. But during the intermission, everything came rushing back, and I couldn't forgive myself for thinking, "If it was Haz or Sarah, they would have..." I shouldn't have. But I did so.

Something really felt broken.

We bought the soundtrack CDs and spoke casually, as though nothing had happened.

And then we went back to enjoy the second half of the concert. The ending was fanstastic. "One Winged Angel" will forever be the favourite of all the FF fans. Post-concert, I didn't dare to hang out with her and her friends. Plus, my mum was waiting for me, so we bid each other goodbye.

And when she playfully tapped me on the head like always, I was so shocked, it took me a split second to compose myself. For a second there, it felt like I could see myself as a little child, picking up pieces of something that was broken and trying to glue it together. When I realize that I couldn't, the child I was watching, looked down sadly and teared. The 'adult' me nodded and smiled bravely to her and her friends.

"Thanks for the wonderful night, tonight." I meant what I said. The concert was really amazing.

But now that I had understood and confirmed that we were really in 'distant worlds', it felt like a whole new burden. The fear of losing her one day.

It won't last, I know. Yet still I dread the day where we would finally end our ties.

To the specific friend (if you're reading this):
I'm really sorry for being late today. I won't give any excuse. I won't ask for forgiveness. I'm just glad that you managed to catch the entire concert, and wasn't shortchanged, due to my carelessness. I do hope that we would be able to go catch a concert together again, just the two of us this time. I know that I'm very destestable, that maybe this was the reason why you're always getting mad at me. I'm really sorry. Maybe I'm sorry that I couldn't be the perfect friend for you as well... I just want you to know that I'm never ever changing your place in my mind, in my heart. Even if time wants me to forget, and the world wants me to move on. Or even if one day you decide that you don't need me anymore.

2009-05-11T20:23:00.000-07:00

Oh dear gods. I think I'm falling for Gackt. WHY. WHY KAMI-SAMA WHY.

I-Is it because Genesis was modelled after him? Y-Yes. That must be it. Also, the fact that he sang awesome songs like 'Redemption'.

......And that his recent photos on the cover of (not one, but two) magazines, looked really really hot.

*facepalm*

WHY. WHY OF ALL THE PEOPLE. *headdesk*

O-Okay, that aside...I just thanked Polly about the fact that she always said hi to me when I went online. (on weekdays especially!) It really did help me through some of the tiring and hard times.

(Random: The band 'Versailles' is cool. Nuff' said.)

It's monday. But it's a happy monday cuz there's no school.

It's monday. But it's a frustrating monday, cuz you people don't know how to LEAVE ME ALONE.

Seriously. The last thing I need on a happy holiday, is smses about project work or school. (or some shit I have to clean up for you)

I appreciate sms-es regarding important updates and stuff, though. They always keep me in tune and responsible for things I have to do.

Alright. These are the random updates for now. Shall type another one whenever I feel like I'm up for it. x.x

My first local business transaction and Project work at school.

2009-05-08T01:00:00.000-07:00

"Will it matter to you?" She asked me.

"Huh?"

"Will it matter to you..." She asked gently and slowly, as if afraid of hurting my feelings, "if she does not come to your friends and you, during then?"

I closed my eyes.

"I don't think it really matters anymore. Neither for me, nor my friends. She is free to go where ever she pleases."
_____________________________________________________________________

This week has been horrible. When I said 'horrible', I meant 'low-and-down-in-the-dirt'.

I've finally completed my first local business transaction. It was a god-awful journey but i guess it might have been worth it. The lenses are beautiful. Will post up details about it later on as it's kinda late now.

Also, project work. Dear god. How do I even begin to describe it.

I'm very displeased and frustrated.

Alright, it's now 1am. I shall go sleep and post a more detailed post another day.

Crossroad

2009-05-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

It's almost monday.

I watched a couple of nice shows today...like the Jack Neo's "I'm not stupid 2" and some short clips from "One Litre of Tears". (japanese version)

And again...

I wonder...where does the soft sadness inside of me stem from.

Labour day was very unproductive for me. But I understand why. It's because I wanted to run. I wanted to escape from thinking about my school. Even if it's for a short while...I wanted to feel safe and sane.

I don't know what's come over me recently. Even as I type this post out, I feel so bombarded by feelings, some of which I don't even understand.

I cried when I watched "I'm not stupid 2". The part where the father bought his son a childlish bag cuz he couldn't afford a 'cool' one, broke my heart. Of course, the son scorned the bag and yelled at his father. Throughout the show, the son never knew how much his father loved him, until the part where the father was on his deathbed. He couldn't do anything then except to cry. And before the father died, he said something that made an impact on me:

"There are no children in this world who cannot be taught, but only parents who don't know how to teach them."

The father cried and said that it was his fault that his son turned out bad. He said that he grew up while being beaten continuously, so he didn't know how to love.

And that everything was his fault.

My heart broke, and I was once again reminded of how many unfortunate students out there who are worse off than me. They just needed to find this 'key' that the movie spoke about, and that 'key' can only be given to them by themselves, the people around them, or the society.

Another part was when a young boy in the film, desperately tried to save money though he was from quite a well-off family. In the end, he had resorted to stealing and was caught. When confronted by his parents, they didn't allow him to explain and simply whipped out the cane and accused him of stealing money to buy gaming cards. After three strokes of the cane on his hand, he burst out saying, "I didn't steal to buy pokemon cards." His parents stopped.

Then he continued by saying, "I stole because I wanted to buy one hour of your time...to come and see my concert." And he broke into tears.

Apparently, his father had once told him that one hour of his time was worth $500 and he had no time to spend on 'unnecessary' matters. The boy explained, "I had wanted to use my pocket money to save up...but it would take a whole year to do so and by then my concert would be over....so out of desperation, I stole..."

Isn't it so funny...? We could be chasing so many things in life. In the end, we were just looking for love.

Why can't we be more honest with ourselves...?

Why can't we say, "I miss you.", "Don't go." and "I love you"?

Why...must we always wait till one party is hurt and has to let go, in order to realize that something is wrong.

I always thought that others were selfish. That they didn't return my feelings. I could have given them my world, and they simply looked away. But when I spoke to them casually, I realized through our conversations that they were looking for love in another place as well. They were the same as me; they wanted another person to love them back too. It's just that the person isn't me.

Is this karma for them? I don't know.

But at that point in time I decided that would let the person go. Because I know that I would never become an important person to that single person. And so I moved on.

But friends come and go...and come...and go.

And in the end, you'll realize that you're the only one standing at that crossroad. When you look back, there's nothing. When you look forward, there's a fog. When you look to your sides, only the thin air greets you.

Will you keep on believing? Do you believe that one day, there would be someone who would be the most important person to you and who loves you, the way you do to that person?

It's starting to feel silly. It's starting to seem childlish. Are we still allowed to believe in fairytales?

There's no Prince Charming, only jocks. There's no BFF forever, only promises that are formed by fragile, rusted chains. There's no forever. There's only change, gain and loss.

How....How am I supposed to believe?

I always take the pain of others upon myself. It always felt so unnecessary. But I always do. I'm so stupid. It's not like it matters to others. It's not like they appreciate it.

I'm such a fool, aren't I? Always searching for the things I want in the wrong places.

It's almost monday. I don't want to go back. The bell is about to ring soon.

I'm trying...but how am I supposed to smile when I'm not happy at all?

I can't smile. Even when I'm with my treasured friends. Is it because I've realized that they too, were beginning to search for comfort and love in another place?

Maybe I secretly felt so betrayed and left alone again.

And for those who just deal me pain, I keep wishing for them to stay away or die. Anything. Just for them to stay away from me.

I just....I just wished that I would snap out of this. It's becoming something like an irritating nightmare.

But I really don't know how to cross that line between happiness and sadness.

I won't ask for help this time though. I need to figure this out by myself. I know that I can...

I really really want to smile once again, and to see that blue sky that I once loved.

It's okay being second choice.

2009-04-28T00:45:00.000-07:00

I have a friend. A really precious friend.

Recently, things hasn't been smooth between this precious friend and me. No, we did not quarrel. Nope, not a fallout either.

There's just this crack in the relationship between the both of us.

I thought that she was distant. I thought that she was being taken away from me by some people she had barely known for months. I thought that our friendship for 3 years or so had accounted for nothing.

I was feeling so alone and insecure.

But when I spoke to her one day, something she said allayed my fears.

"Oh, *[insert name here]..."
"Yeah?"
"Do you know that you're very important to me?"
"......I know. You're important to me too."
"......Okay."

With that, I stopped doubting. I stopped grieving. I stopped pretending to smile whenever she looked at my direction. My heart stopped hurting and bleeding.

And I started to believe.

I believed that it was okay to be her second choice. It doesn't matter if my friends and I were...just a 'back-up' house for her to return to. It doesn't matter if I was on the losing end.

Just like how I had accepted a friend who had left me before, I would also accept her back with open arms. I believe that she would come home one day, and need someone to catch her, to prevent her from collapsing. When that time comes, I would most definitely be standing at the door, smiling and saying...

"Welcome home. We've missed you."

I believe that my friends will accept her back as well. And that through this, she would cherish us more than before. It's because she isn't dumb. She isn't oblivious. She would understand the extent we're going for her...she would appreciate.

She's my precious friend.

She was one of the few who saved me from when I was being ostracized. She was...

She was...

......

...........

someone we loved.

*note that the name was purposefully not included and that the conversation was not 100% accurate since I don't have the memory of a robot.

The waltz through my current life

2009-04-10T02:29:00.000-07:00

I actually had lots of things to say. But as always, I've forgotten about it.

Had another dream just now about Daniel and Haohao. Dear lord, it was embarrassing. I hope it never really happens in real life. (then again, who knows what random stupid things I would do. x.x)

What scares me is that I could remember Haohao's face really clearly, even though I haven't seen him for quite some time. (probably since last year's november?)

Random: There's going to be an ice skating outing soon...

I can't skate. So I might be in trouble.

Things have been pretty much hectic at school recently. (what with PI and all)

s-shoot. I'm told to go to bed. Shall continue another time.

Climax of pain and numbness.

2009-03-30T23:45:00.000-07:00

Edit: I deleted this post cuz it was too emo and replaced it with this sentence. 8D

"Can you really live on that side? In a world that hates you and I." -Genesis Rhapsodos

Genesis, Loveless and Kuro Bara

2009-03-29T02:45:00.001-07:00

Edit: I just realized that Blogger ate up A LOT of my words. Blogger, you s***.

I sincerely apologize if any parts of this post sound weird.

Edit (again): This post is still somehow screwed. I give up trying to retify it. Hope that you guys can still manage to read it. x.x

.....................................................................................................................................

Changed my blogskin! Couldn't stand the dark and moody atmosphere of the previous one, so I settled for something light coloured.

AND IT'S GENESIS. <3 (he's so hot. x.x)

I'm not really a fan of Gackt, though Genesis was actually modeled after him. He does have some nice songs though.

Since I'm in a poetic mood now, I shall put up quotes from loveless: (which is recited often by Genesis and I think that it's so sexy.)

Final Fantasy VII - Crisis Core
--=[ Loveless ]=--

.................................................................
LOVELESS ( POEM )

Loveless - Prologue

When the war of the beasts brings about the world’s end
The goddess descends from the sky

Wings of light and dark spread afar
She guides us to bliss, her gift everlasting

Loveless - Act I

Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess
We seek it thus, and take it to the sky
Ripples form on the water’s surface
The wandering soul knows no rest
Loveless - Act II
There is no hate, only joy
For you are beloved by the goddess
Hero of the dawn, Healer of worlds
Dreams of the morrow hath the shattered soul
Pride is lost
Wings stripped away, the end is nigh

Loveless - Act III

My friend, do you fly away now?
To a world that abhors you and I?
All that awaits you is a somber morrow
No matter where the winds may blow

My friend, your desire
Is the bringer of life, the gift of the goddess
Even if the morrow is barren of promises
Nothing shall forestall my return
Loveless - Act IV

My friend, the fates are cruel
There are no dreams, no honor remains
The arrow has left the bow of the goddess

My soul, corrupted by vengeance
Hath endured torment, to find the end of the journey
In my own salvation
And your eternal slumber

Legend shall speak
Of sacrifice at world’s end
The wind sails over the water’s surface
Quietly, but surely

Loveless - Act V -Made by Genesis-

Even if the morrow is barren of promises
Nothing shall forestall my return
To become the dew that quenches the land
To spare the sands, the seas, the skies
I offer thee this silent sacrifice

*** Acts IV and V in interpreted are mentioned as "yet to be discovered" in the game. Act V [Poem] is also yet to be discovered, so Genesis makes up an ending for Loveless ***

.........................................................

LOVELESS ( INTERPRETED )

Loveless - Prologue

When the war of the beasts brings about the world’s end
The goddess descends from the sky

Wings of light and dark spread afar
She guides us to bliss, her gift everlasting

Loveless - Act I

The Infinite mystery
The gift of the goddess is what the three men seek
But their fates are scattered by war

One becomes a hero, one wanders the land
And the last is taken prisoner

But the three are still bound by a solemn oath
To seek the answer together, once again

Loveless - Act II

Though the prisoner escapes, he is gravely wounded
His life is saved, however
By a woman of the opposing nation

He begins a life of seclusion with her
Which seems to hold the promise of eternal bliss

But as happiness grows, so does guilt
Of not fulfilling the oath to his friends

Loveless - Act III

As the war sends the world hurling towards destruction
The prisoner departs with his newfound love
And embarks on a new journey

He is guided by hope that the gift will bring bliss
And the oath that he swore to his friends
Though no oath is shared between the lovers
In their hearts they know they will meet again

All Credits to this website: http://boardsus.playstation.com/playstation/board/message?board.id=finalfantasy&thread.id=232184

.......................................................

Awesome huh? 8D

Okay...now to blog.

Well...Kuro bara, a cosplay event about reminiscing past experiences and costumes, was held at Liang Court today. To be honest, I initially had not wanted to go. I guess it's because Haz and Sarah couldn't make it and that would mean that I would have to hang out with the heta team. (not that I mind but...)

Well, it's just...recently things have been feeling different.

I feel that the heta team is not the same as before, when we first started out. Aside from getting bigger, many of the members have changed (in terms of personality and response) and the initial few members have all taken to lurking, while the newer or more dominant members post on the team's thread. I'm not exactly sure if this is a bad thing...but it just feels awful. I miss the 'older' members and most of them are busy like nuts and don't seem to talk or hang out with us anymore.

Is this what someone was trying to prevent, by trying to keep a distance from the others? (To this person, please don't be offended. I'm just thinking about your words.)
Like, is it really pointless...to try hard to make friends and then actually get to KEEP them as friends?

I'm actually quite frustrated by this really. The whole domination thing. But I don't say it out loud cuz I hate conflicts. It gets so awkward and then people start to hate each other over something that is so trival and insignificant.

Maybe I should try to get it off my mind.

On the other hand, I went for Kuro Bara today and it was quite...fun i guess. Sure, there were times I felt anti-social and bored, but there were others where I'm glad I had honhon, Ukraine nee-san and Polly's company. Those three really made my day brighter. =)

Halfway through, after nii-san's performance, I went up to Kino to say hi to Daniel. I think he must be bored stiff lol. When he saw me, he had an unmistakable smile on his face and I laughed.

OH YEAH. Those people. They. Pasted. Something on my back.

Fin-chan, Polly and Ukraine nee-san were running around with "Stalker <33"> "Property of Bela <3"

*facepalm*

I AM NOT BELA'S PROPERTY. ;A; JUST YOU PEOPLE WAIT. I'M GONNA GET YOU AT COSFEST.

Grrr. Rawr.

Well. I'm not really THAT upset or offended actually. But it was traumatising.

Later on, they grabbed me again and pasted it across my butt (on the pants duh). Then they
took a photo.

I went, "OMGWTFASJKDHSAKJHFJKSAHFAKJHFSJKAH LET GOOOOO!"

And of course, I couldn't bear to do a wrist lock on waifu (cuz i'll hurt her), so I was victimized and my butt picture is now on the thread. *dies*

I'm tired. (and hungry)

Maybe I should post again tomorrow.

In the meantime, I think I may write a young!RussiaxChina fic. xD Shall post it up here (as requested by sarah) once it's done.

Will kill any who plagiarize. =)

"Isn't that good enough a reason to live?"

2008-12-05T23:02:00.000-08:00

My mind is currently stuck with flashbacks of 'The Sky Crawlers'. Our Hetalia Team went to watch the movie today...and god! I don't know how to describe how I felt towards it.

Personally, I felt the story development moves kinda slow and there's not really a climax. (And for some weird reason, there was a semi-nekkid scene and a quite long kissing scene. But hey! The main character was hot. So I didn't think anybody cared.) Still, I felt that the show was very enchanting. Like it was delving into the depths of my soul and digging something up to show to me.

Basically, there were talks about war, people dying, torn lovers and questions like:
"What are we fighting for?"

And there was this part which was very memorable for me. It was when the main character, Yuichi Kannami, told a senior officer (who had complained about his commander, Suito Kusanagi, for being a 'child' as she is a Kildren.):

"What's the point of growing up...for those who don't know if they would live or die tomorrow?"

Or something like that. I can't remember the exact quote. But it was basically him asking the officer, whether it mattered that they were Kildren or not, since they were pilots in a cruel war who do not know when they might die. If so, what was the point of growing up for them?

I feel that their plight...is rather sad. Perfect Weapons of War. Those who know no rest.

Actually, I've realized that I feel a lot for this movie. The effect was not there as I watched the movie, but it came after it ended. There was a sense of overwhelming sadness coming inside my heart where the movie managed to touch.

And maybe...a tiny sense of helplessness?

Nobody likes war. But as Suito Kusanagi had said, War is inevitable because it gives people a certain sense of reality they need. They need to understand how horrible war is and see people dying, in order to fully appreciate the significance of 'Peace'. So the whole...fighter jets shooting each other down in the movie, was simply a commercial use to show the people what 'war' is like, with the fighter jets fighting for the company they sponsor, Rostock and Leutern.

People are being sacrificed in the movie for such stupid reasons...

I-I feel the pain for them. ;_;

Well, this is a bit of a spoiler... In the end, the main character decides to go against the top-notch Ace pilot of the sky, "The Teacher", and he sorta...well...He didn't make it.

However, due to plot developments up to thus far, he will eventually come back. How? I guess you'll have to watch and see. =)

I added a playlist I gathered on imeem as the music box for now! It's some songs from the show, the Sky Crawlers. Hope you guys who come visit would like it. =)

When will we wake?

2008-12-03T00:57:00.000-08:00

Edit: I couldn't find the full song on Imeem. So have a youtube video in the meantime!

Oof. I was woken up very roughly today. Haha.

Thinking about it still gives me smiles... You see, the person who woke me up, was Akito. (the one from Air Gear) I was kinda drowsy and all, fumbling with my handphone as its alarm rang. After I switched the darn thing off, I went back to sleep.

It was then I saw Akito. He...wasn't wearing his eyepatch I think. Yet I knew it was him and not Agito.

"Sakura!" For some weird reason, he was calling me 'sakura'. A name I've not heard someone call in a long time. He laughs, bends over a little and smiles very gently at me. (hyperactive boy, isn't he?) I could feel myself smiling as I watched him. Like all dreams, Akito was speaking very slowly but endearingly. His blue-black hair flowing softly in the breeze. There was this...weird feeling inside of me for a moment. Then he laughed again. (as if he saw through what I was thinking and found it to be amusing)

"Sakura, it's time to wake up..." His voice fades a little. I was puzzled. (and a little hurt that Akito was not getting more screen time in my dream, haha.)

The last part came when he reached out for my hand with his right hand. (his right profile was facing me.) He repeats what he had said, "Time to wake up..." Then he smiles gently again, as if to say 'good morning'.

Then he yanks me up.

My whole body went into auto-drive mode and I nearly flew off the bed. I sat up at such an amazing speed I couldn't believe at first it was my body moving on its own will. Shocking huh? xD

But it was so cool. To have dreamt of Akito like that. (and he was such a sweet boy, it made me melt a little.) Concidentally, I had tennis lessons to attend this morning. Of course, I was sleeping in and was nearly late. So Akito had done me a big favor by waking me up, haha.

If I could see him now, I'll probably give him a kiss on the cheek and thank him. (I cannot emphasize how sweet I think he is.)

"Arigato, Akito-kun."

On a second note, Tennis lesson was fun. After that, my mum and I spoke to my cousin about her relationship with her mother, father and boyfriend etc. It was not because we were being nosy. It just...I don't know. Sometimes I feel that things are falling apart for her, but she does not know how to catch the fragments and piece them back together. So, because she's dear to me, I don't want to see her cry. I hope that in some way we can make it better for her.

It's funny. I mean, I'm not being angsty or emo here. I just got reminded of some things. I was told by my close friend once, that I should give a certain someone a second chance. She told me that he was waiting for me. Even after two years, he was still waiting for me to turn around. I didn't know whether to believe her at first. Lots of excuses came to my mind. Maybe he lied to her or put on an act so that she would tell me what he wanted me to know...maybe he was just pretending to be good but would later on revert to his former self. But the more I told myself, the more strangely empty I felt.

Looking at the current case of someone I know...I've realized that perhaps my journey was rough. But it could have been worse. Her case...is really complicated. That guy was mean to her; he was mean to everyone. He's super possessive, he's kinda weird in his behaviour. He doesn't allow her to have any guy friends because he believes that they're all preying on her. (what? hard to believe...) He cheats on her, but when she even goes near a guy, he makes a big fuss out of it. Sometimes I think of him as a lowlife, the kind of man a woman should never love. He keeps lying and keeps thinking of excuses to shove in her face as he lies.

But still, she loves him. She followed her heart and not her head, accepting him time and time again. I thought that she was crazy. But maybe...maybe I understand a little, after some explaination from her.

I've thought about it. If I was her, if i loved such a horrible man...what would I have done?

I think maybe I would have endured the pain and ripped my heart out. I will stop myself from loving such a person. Even if it means I would never give my love to anybody else in the future, or if I'm left scarred from the experience, I would stop myself from letting him destroy me and everything around me. And if I loved him so, like she did, by stopping him from taking everything for granted, I hope that maybe I can teach him to be a better person.

I don't know. Haha. Maybe I sound silly. But at least, that would be my viewpoint, if I was her.

B-Because I mean...! (I know I don't make sense but...) I mean...sometimes people don't destroy things because they hate them. They destroy things because they loved them. It's so as to prevent the thing or person they love from becoming someone everybody hates. Heck, maybe even the person would even hate himself later on.

Isn't that right...?

I hope that she doesn't throw away all her friends for him. She'll understand someday that it is truly time for that guy to grow up. He's being immature and needs time to think. But with all the irony, HE is the one who is threatening her and saying, "I dunno...I give you time to think on what you've done." In which he was saying that she was fraternizing with other guys.

This is...starting to sound like a stupid soap opera. (bleh)

This is random, but I found myself thinking about ning lately. Maybe it's because eoy is like, next saturday? I was just thinking about how different we are now. I can't seem to fit into her circle of friends either. (I'M TOO WEIRD. only my friends would want me. xD) I don't think she knows that I've missed her. But yeah. I've been missing her for so long. Because...she's my first and only guardian...after all. I'm still waiting for her under a blue sky we once shared, in that same field of flowers. Difference is, she isn't there anymore. I'm pretty sure either one of us, or even both, have moved on.

Now, let's end with a happy thing! Final Fantasy Crisis Core rocks. Seriously. I'm like, head over heels over it. I'm currently listening to Ayaka's 'Why', a theme song in Crisis core. ZACK YOU THE MAN. I'm not done with the game yet, but I already know that Zack is a true hero.

AUGH. I'm so gonna go up to any crisis core cosers this eoy and take a photo with them and make friends and stuff.

And double AUGH. Genesis, Angeal and Sephiroth's past and birth are all so sad. Their world is seriously whacked. (I am in fangirl mode nao.) Can you imagine, I cried for Genesis! (even when he's nuts.) Angeal made me wibble, curl up and die. It was so horrible and sad, watching him die. Even more so when Zack couldn't stop crying and Aerith had to comfort him.

As for Sephiroth...It was just too sudden and weird. (the whole 'hero' to 'villian' thing. Though it is an universal fact that sephiroth is like, one of the best FF villians ever.) I liked him better when he had a sense of humor and gave a small smile every now and then. (wait. did he?) But yeah, he was better when his hair is shorter and he's not trying to destroy the world.

I think Zack is going to die in the end. Judging from various sources and FFVII Advent Children the movie.

Oh shyt. WHHHHY. I don't want Zack to dieeeee.

There's piano tomorrow and I wanna shoot something right now. I better go! Thanks for all who had the patience to hear me rant. xD

After the O'levels...

2008-11-18T00:20:00.000-08:00

Okay...So now I'm sitting in front of the com and my brother keeps telling me that I'm gonna get raeped. He spouts weird stuff from the tip of his tongue every now and then, so I think we can...not take him seriously. Haha.

Brother: YOU'RE TRACEABLE. *continues rambling*

So interesting, at 11.40pm huh?

Anyways, I should really blog about some stuffs that happened since the o levels ended.

+Thursday, 13 Nov+

Well, this was the last day of O levels. Initially I wasn't very psyched up about it, but when the paper ended and someone went "YEEEEAAAAAAH." in the next room, my brain died and I squealed a little. (before going on to something more dynamic. haha) I wanted to hug and run and roll around in a field full of flowers.

Then after that, came the prom shopping! We waited for mummy (haz) for 1hr plus at the bus-stop outside of our school, while talking bout lots of stuff. I realized that daddy (hazel) wasn't feeling very happy, but she said that it'll pass and she'll get her energy back soon. Still, I was worried. I didn't say anything though...

When mummy arrived, we took the bus to clark quay. I sat beside mummy on the bus! So happy suuuu~ We talked about oofuri, cosplay and stuffs. I couldn't help smiling. Dearest dearest mummy suuuuu~ She let me watch videos of oofuri and Haruna on her NintendoDS and oh gods, it's really a 'slice of life' anime. I feel quite encouraged by it from time to time, understanding that failures are okay, as long as you've really worked hard for what you want. It's okay to cry, as long as you have done all you can. On another note, Haruna is hot. x.x I accidentally brainwashed mummy into liking Haruna as well. (though I heard that he was initially an ash-hole...) But hey, he's hot! (omg and he can do a raepface. ILU HARUNA! ><)

Um, back to...the bus. Okay. So we've reached clark quay, what next? We went around in a building, looking at dresses. (Some are so ex...homg.) Clare was the first one to try on a dress. I was the next to be shoved into another one. My fats are scaring me. Honestly, I feel so offended by my fats. Some of the shop ladies are evil and mean. They act like we're going to steal something or crash their shop, just cuz we're traveling in a huge bunch. (Many also acted very crudely and offensively when we're wearing our school uni. Good luck with that promotion, huh?) Anyways, the first dress I tried on was a bit of the sweet kind. It looked pretty weird on me cuz it was black and frilly. I don't think I can do sweet frills sometimes.

Daddy was the next to find a dress. She wore a white cardigan with it and looked absolutely fantabulous. She heavily considered it, so I guess she's gonna get it. Haha. There was a lot of squealing and strong attempts in trying to shove me into another dress. (I rejected, of course.)

We moved on~ And we found this quaint little shop in the corner of the building. We walked in and saw a man sitting at the counter, seemingly preoccupied. I browsed through the dresses and though I saw a few I thought were nice, did not really feel that the shop made a huge impact on me. Everything changed, however, when Clare tried on a dress.

The man stood up and then started to display his professionalism. He pin-pointed most of the improvements that can be made for Clare when she was wearing that particular dress. I was stunned speechless. He adjusted, he explained and he showed us. While Clare was changing out of her dress, mummy and sarah showed me a black dress which they named "Octo" thanks to the criss-crosses it had on its back. It was a classical beautiful black gown. They told me to try it...and I felt so tempted. Thing is, it was black. Should I wear black? Goodness. I couldn't decide. In the end, Hannah took the short way of explaining things and shoved me into the dress.

I squealed. (inside my head)

It looked amazing on me, I have to admit. I was shocked myself.
___________________________________________________________________

Edit: Okay! I...uh...have to stop here for today! (cuz I lost the drive to blog, it's late and my mum is being a scary person.)

SHALL ADD ON LATER.

I wonder what love is.

2008-11-06T14:53:00.000-08:00

Edit: I found the Suzululu AMV on youtube! yay! (btw...aren't the cosers really good? So cool~ <3)

Edit again: Okay. Screw my template. The video isn't in full size. I am so gonna change it.

Edit edit once more: HA! TAKE THAT YOU STUPID TEMPLATE. I WIN. *has managed to allow the video to show in its full size*

Lalalalala~ Just watched a Suzululu AMV.

It nearly made me cry. Nearly.

Oh god. I feel like a...poo. (Shutupshangbel, whatiswrongwithyou.)

Okay okay. I'm just slightly...sad but happy cuz of something. (I KNOW. HOW CAN YOU BE SAD AND HAPPY AT THE SAME TIME. It does not make sense, kthxbai.)

Well, the Suzululu AMV and something else just reminded me of something called "unrequited love". Thinking about it, it was a really bitter feeling. Please don't be surprised at this point that I had actually experienced something like that. It's not funny at allll.

You know...the kind of feeling you get, like when you feel like your heart is ripping into two and you want to cry but you can't. You want to say, "I like you. I really do." non-stop to the other person, but know perfectly well you can't. Just because you two were meant to know each other but not meant to be together. It doesn't help that the other party is TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS, and would do things to hurt you on one hand, but later on do things to make you blush and on cloud nine.

How many times...have I watched him and smiled to myself? I think I lost count. I always laugh at the other lovestruck people and their "darling, I love euuuu~ Chuuu~", but I bet I sound cheesy now as well. (PLEASE DON'T LAUGH AT ME AUUUUU~ ;_;)

Are you even supposed to feel so strongly about someone?

Actually, I have sort of given up on that person now. Since it's not meant to be, I'm not so stupid as to waste my youth on puppy crushes such as this. It's just that he's so sly. I swear he's as sly as a sly fox can be.

AUGH. Stop messing with my mind! x.x Go away! Shooo Shooo!

I am pretty sure at this point of time, that I must have owed him something in my past life. (killed his lover, burned his house down, stabbed him, etc.)

I have to stop being so sentimental. I must be more cruel.

*tries on cruel face and fails*

I-I can do it kaaaaay? ;_;

Back to Suzululu. You know, how Suzu stabbed Lulu to death at the end right? Cuz it was part of Lulu's masterplan thingy. I wonder if he ever thought of how Suzu really felt. Suzululu isn't an official pairing but hey, at least they were best friends in the show. I bet Suzu felt like poo and more poo after he stabbed his best friend to death. (and was supposed to live with the indignity of it all. He's not even allowed to live his life as himself after that and act like some sort of 'Saviour of the World', when it was all part of his best friend's plan to make the world a better place.)

So guess who's the real saviour of the world now? Duh, the ~~sexy~~ dead guy.

I simply cannot imagine stabbing any of my friends to death with a super long sword. One, cuz it's troublesome to find such a prettily decorated long sword and two, cuz there is no need to.

After Lulu got stabbed, he even fell down the happy slide of doom. Sometimes I wonder how some people can die so sexily and live in the hearts of fangirls FOREVER. I seriously won't mind dying like that if i was some diabolical, hot guy who was trying to take over the world and rule it with an iron fist. (just...not the happy slide of doom pls. The way he fell down looked very painful.)

And I cannot deny that when Lulu died, I was screaming in my head, "NOT THE FACE. NOT THE FACE PLX."

Whaaaaat. He's hot kay? If they disfigured him, I'll hunt down Suzu myself and...and...hurt his face. Yeah.

Okay. After the happy slide of doom, there came the Nunnally crying part. She finally discovers that her brother is actually not a hot, diabolical villian, but a kind person who is willing to sacrifice everything for everybody else (but is still hot.). Her crying was horrendous, but I cried with her cuz Lulu was dying and I cannot believe it.

Why must all the hot men dieeeee? (If you're hot and you're still alive, that says a lot.)

So...enough of the Suzululu thing. I just felt rather sobby when I saw the video someone made for two cosers who did Suzaku and Lelouch.

If I can find the video on youtube, I'll put it up kay? Cuz I don't think it's good to link to LJ for this. If you wanna watch the video, just tell me on msn. I'll send the link over.

I guess I'll go study now. I wonder what got me blogging today...
__________________________________________________________________________________

Edit: I found some translated lyrics! Not sure whether it's accurate though.

Ai Otsuka- Kurage Nagareboshi (English Lyrics)

So far apart
Just like we are every night
I want to see you, but I can't
Just somewhere in my head

Maybe it's a little strange
If only, this starry sky
You see it and think
The same as me?

If I find that special falling star
Your name will float into my mind
Even though I know I don't want it to
I just love you that much.

"Falling in love"
Is that what it's called?
The more I try to forget, the more I want you
Are you and I really all that different?
No matter what, I don't want to break up

If I don't find that special falling star
I might forget your words
With only one last belief and strength
In such pain, can love still go on?

The calm in the middle of a storm.

2008-11-04T14:47:00.000-08:00

Haha. My last post was on 13 Sep 08! Wao. So long ago.

And I feel like deleting all my previous posts cuz they are so emo and irritating.

*wipes the screen free of emo-ness*

Anyways, on a random note: *puts on accent* I love my Famiglia, can? Touch them and you die. *super possessive seme mode*

Okay, I must be high. I don't seem to be blogging about something proper. It's just that it has been a long time since I've blogged and since I can't blog about happy stuff like mummy and daddy, I am at a loss.

I've just realized that there are many people I wanna be friends with but never had the chance to. So, next year would be my breakthrough. I'm gonna try and be more daring than ever. (I hope I don't scare people away. ;_;)

Speaking of friends, my Famiglia don't count. Why?

Cuz my Famiglia has gone beyond the boundaries of being just my 'friends'. Gods. I don't know what I'll do without them. They are everything I have ever wanted and more. I love you guys. =)

Today, I'm supposed to be studying for my chinese o's tomorrow. Guess what I'm doing though? Blogging! Omg. I seriously never liked blogging, but I finally felt like blogging today...so...yeah.

For some strange reason, I sound like a total...plastic girl now. Hahahahaha. I even find myself irritating.

*slaps self*

Okay. Back to normal. Well, Haz was showing me this fic about uh...Ryohei and Mu-chan. So far it's quite cute. I guess I'll go finish it then!

I think...I wanna cos Mu-chan next year.

I...think.

Maybe.

Darn. ._.

On another note, the F-man hasn't been talking to me for quite a while. I bet he is busy with his life and all.

Ah. I lost the drive to blog. Later then!

Time to move on...

2008-09-14T01:40:00.000-07:00

Song: Innocent Sorrow
Vocals: Abingdon Boys School
Lyrics: Nishikawa Taknori
Composition: Shibasaki Hiroshi
Arrangement:Abingdon Boys School

(English Translation)

PAIN spills and flows from the wound in my torn chest In the dark
And dissolves the thoughts that connect overlapped moments

Having a nightmare in a fever that I can’t wake from, I can’t hear your final voice

Don’t cry, if I embraced you to the point that you seem to break, you’d tremble, Oh…
Show me that you’ll softly touch my raised palms; Never… Until the end

Like the spilling and falling sand, I give a fleeting wish Close to the light
Tears that don’t dry stain your shut face

Prayers pierce deeply through the crevices between my outstretched fingers

Don't cry, How much boundless pain and sorrow was I able to save you from? Oh…
Show me that you’ll touch my raised palms more strongly; Ever and never end
I’ll release, So far away

With wings of engraving life, longing for the next world in which I’ll be reborn

Don’t cry, if I embraced you to the point that you seem to break, you’d tremble, Oh…
Show me that you’ll softly touch my raised palms

Surely, I’ve searched for the unfading miracle named ‘you’
Touch me with stronger palms; Ever and never end

Break down! Right now! Fill me up!
I just U just blow up!
Livin’ it up Pump it up
Inside n’ outsite Freak out!
___________________________________________________________________

I actually wanted to blog about other things. But there's something deep inside of me that threatens to spill over. It's sort of an overflowing emotion...

I...really thought that I had forgotten how to love.

It was painful. I cannot deny it.

I couldn't get out of the hurt I dealt to myself and that person and it repeatedly gave my heart scars over and over again.

It was so hideous. My heart was so hideous. I didn't want anybody to see it.

But now something's really different.

Something's changed.

Maybe it's because of the love people gave me. Maybe it's because of the persistence I saw in him. Maybe it's because of the fact that I understood I was still loved.

Will I get hurt again if I opened my heart?

I don't know...but I think that it's time for me to move on. I can finally feel free from the chains.

I can fly away once again.
___________________________________________________________________

The boy peeked around the sides of the door to the cage that he opened.

"Hey..." He started softly, "Come with me?"

Inside of the cage, bounded by chains, was a little girl. She looked up with a horrified expression and covered her face with her scarred hands. She didn't want to leave. She didn't want anybody to come near her ever again; not after she hurt someone and let someone hurt her.

But he was persistant and he sat by the cage's door, coming back day after day to chat with her. Even when she had shoved him away roughly once.

She was touched. Why...why did he care?

Soon after, many more people appeared. They all sat by the cage and chatted with her, they made her laugh, they made her feel normal again. By time, the scars faded away and she looked as beautiful as she did before.

The boy smiled, "See? I told you that you were beautiful and loved."

She cried.

He offered her a hand, and for the first time in ages...

The girl could finally step out into the light.

Winnie the Pooh

2008-09-01T23:06:00.000-07:00

When I was young...There was this strange strange misconception I had.

I watched this show called, "Winnie the Pooh". You see, it is a very interesting show with cute and cuddly (perhaps not furry) characters.

In that particular show, this yellow bear called, "Pooh", would do morning exercises every morning. (yes, not in the afternoon or night, in the morning.) And when he does it...

*Happy children scene*
BGM: Winnie the pooh~ Winnie the pooh~ Winnie dilly silly old stuffed with fluff~ He's winnie the pooh~ (and so on.)

Pooh: I think I'll do some morning exercises...
*stretches up and down to touch his toes*

Then...

*RIIIIPPPP!!!*

His butt rips apart.

Now, at this moment, you must be thinking, "Omgwtf?"

Strangely enough, i wasn't thinking that way when I was younger.

I ACTUALLY BELIEVED IT.

I believed that if you bent down that way, your butt would split open like Mr Winnie's.

Therefore, from that day onwards, my butt felt particularly fragile. Everytime I need to bend and pick something up, I would bend my legs instead of simply bending down. It caused lots of inconvenience and weird stares...but I believed that it was worth it.

Now that I'm older and realized that your butt won't split open from bending forward to pick something, this memory causes embarrassment and laughter in and to me.

Now you see people. The POWER of media on little children. Dear gods, they would even believe the impossible!

So I swear that I should keep my children away from shows like barney and sesame street. We should all just watch national geographic channel. At least it teaches us what a lynx and a hare is. Believe it or not, lots of common sense comes from the National Geographic channel and the Animal World channel.

But for now...I'll just continue to laugh at myself.

And perhaps i would teach a random small child about the wonders of Winnie the Pooh. =)

Misconceptions, biasedness and a load full of crap~

2008-08-31T11:14:00.000-07:00

Ahahahaha. I guess my dear readers can guess from the topic above that I'm slightly pissed with something. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not emoing today or whatever. It's just this passing phrase where I want to grab something and strangle it real hard. ^^

Recently, I have to say that there's been a lot of biased feelings floating around my surroundings. I feel like I've been slapped in the face for countless amounts of times. (literally) I know that it's unavoidable that we would have stupid people in this world, but never have I really seen an outright display of stupidity that involves me, straight in my face.

I'm so mad. So mad that sometimes I don't even know what I'm ranting on about.

It's like one of those racist things. Cept that we have a law that somehow jails people for being racist. I've thought whether I should list examples, (cuz this is a very sensitive topic), and I simply cannot resist.

First up, about cosplay. We've always known that there's an extremist society out there that somehow dislikes cosplayers just because our hobby isn't about collecting stamps, coins etc. I know that there IS biased feelings towards us every now and then. Still, it came as a shock to me when my friend told me that some magazine had published an article that labelled cosplayers as "high class Ah-Lians".

Omg? Like what the hell would you know about what we do?

Perhaps we're being scandalized (yes, i love this word.) by some black sheeps in our community or whatsoever, but this is ridiculous. Seemingly, the reason why there is the catagory of "high class ah-lians" and "low class ah-lians" is because "low class ah-lians" cannot afford the cash to cosplay. (or as so I've heard from the above source given)

IF this is true (and I say IF), then wouldn't that article be biased against poor people as well? Why...Oh Why, in the world do you need to mention about how people can or cannot afford to cosplay and classify ah-lians into catergories? There is biasedness against ah-lians, I cannot deny. But they're human as well. So what you're doing now is simply being more of a bee-yotch than some of them may already be.

So keep your comments to yourself, you 'second-hand litterateur'! Thank you very much.

Okay, maybe i should stop my ranting. It's just that life's very effed up at the moment and i'm in a constant environment of stupidity thanks to my brother.

I really should delete this post sometime.

Anger is not good. Yes. Anger isn't good.

I really need happy posts on my blog.

Ah. It's raining.

I need to bash something up with a waterpipe.

I'll be back later. =)

Hottie Hawt Hotties (Part One)

2008-08-26T22:10:00.000-07:00

Judging from the title, you should be able to guess what this post is all about. It's about spreading the love of hot people! =D You can never lie to yourself; we're all biased people who definitely only care about looks.

So, Hahahahaha. Let's start drooling~

First up, we have the ever hot, Twenty-Years-Later Lambo~ <3

Look at that pose. Look at that poise! Who would ever thought that someone so puny and irritating would become such a Hottie Hawt Hottie? <3>

Young lambo:

10 years later Lambo:

20 years later Lambo:

Honestly, He's really hot. x.x (well, like duh. Why else would he be featured here?) When 10 years later Lambo first appeared, everybody went, "Wtf? That kid is...omgwtf?" It was a worldwide (probably) expression. As the story went by, he went from sudden hot to uber hot. (and the fangirls were microwaved by him.) I was unconverted at first! But when I saw that cosplay pic of 20 year later lambo (shown above), I died and went to heaven and became a converted fangirl. (only for 20 year later lambo though)

Next up! Russia-san~! From Hetalia! His anime name is Ivan Braginsky. <3

Well, now you may ask, why Russia-san? <3 That's because underneath that cute and innocent facade, he's actually a twisted and super evil dude! He's a insane-yet-cute-and-cuddly guy, all in one package! (omg, I love you russia-san~) His favourite weapon is the waterpipe. It's different from all those other people who use guns you know... A waterpipe is so practical. I know this is a bit sadistic but i love it when he emos about his blood-stained hands. hahahahaha.

More of Russia-san~

He needs a hugggggg! <3 align="center">

Hahahahaha. Die. Hahahahahahaha.

Russia-san always wears a scarf! (Even when he goes to beaches and stuff.) And that scarf adds to his hotness factor! <3

Okay okay. It's getting late and posting pictures is a slow and hard process. So i shall stop at two Hottie Hawt Hotties for today! Tomorrow I shall post more! And you shall see the eye candies I have been exposed to~ <3

Goodnight!

A letter to Kami-sama

2008-08-26T17:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Kami-sama,

I wonder if you can hear me. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. ~~(purposely one right? xD)~~

Do you know that a lot of people were suffering today in school? One guy looked like he was ready to cut his wrist. I didn't know how to make him feel better, so i prayed to you. He cheered up later when he got his overall A.Maths and E.Maths marks, which amazingly, are both A1s. It's so amazing because I don't think I'll ever get that high for A.Maths.

Hahahaha. What am I to do~

Oh, and there was a talk by some people from Ngee Ann Poly. It was...fairly interesting. It was decided a long time ago that if I ever somehow decide to go to poly, I would go Ngee Ann. Sad thing is, I can't. I have lived my whole studying life for my parents in one way or another. I get good grades to move on and more importantly, please them. Yes, it's true that you don't have a backbone this way, but I have a lot to live up to. I can't just live life like I want to at the moment. I need to get into university. I'm sure you'd understand, Kami-sama? I don't even have a dream... So I'll just flow along with the river till I reach a fork in my path.

Kami-sama~ Kami-sama~ There's a dark and black hole in my heart. Can you mend it?

Do you know something, Kami-sama? I don't love you just because you can do things for me. I've thought about it long and hard. You know those two aunties from the clinic that day? They loved God or Jesus just because he grants them their wishes and saves their relatives from an early death. Am I...loving you in this way as well, Kami-sama? I always seek your forgiveness, but I always continue sinning and going against you. I am the one who is despicable, right?

I keep praying to you. Yet my wishes are becoming more and more selfish. When I was younger, I prayed to you for someone else. I prayed for my mum, my aunt, my friends and everyone else. Nowadays, I'm praying to you for my grades. Is that why you're angry? Don't say you aren't. You obviously are. You won't say a word to me. You always smile but recently you just pretend to smile.

But thank you. For everything, I mean. You've let my mother land safely in the other country and you've somehow salvaged my SS marks a little.

Kami-sama...The world is very ugly, you know. I'm ugly too. So why did you choose me? Since when did it start?

Kami-sama...i feel like crying.

Something feels empty inside and it's very painful.

Kami-sama...Kami-sama...

..........

..........

I'm sorry. So please don't go.